I’m laying in bed the fan is on high, the way I like it but it’s too loud. I can’t hear things clearly. I can hear noises but can’t tell where they are coming from, someone might be trying to break into my shed. Wouldn’t that be just great!? Then I’d have to try to catch them so they don’t steal my things and there would be a huge disturbance while I scream for the neighbours to call the cops. I’d feel victorious but then after pressing charges they would maybe send people to come after me and break in at night. Oh my God what if someone is trying to break in right now!? What would I do? How would I escape? Could I escape? STOP! The feeling in my stomach is anxious stew, whirling around while I feel the constricting of my stomach muscles trying to hold the feelings in place but they creep and end up in my chest. My breath….am I still breathing? BREATH! Gasping for air, I tell myself nothing is even happening other than the crazy ideas I come up with in my head and I focus my self on my breathing while saying in a mantra to myself that “I’m okay.” I can start to feel my muscles surrendering from their vicious grips as I take another breath in through my nose. Calm starts to wash over me. As I’m breathing I start to judge my silly mind and my silly body on how it reacts to such nonsense these days. I can feel my head starting to get flooded with my harsh criticism and remind myself, Alice you are not helping with that kind of thought. Gently I agree with myself and take another deep breath in my nose and hold it, imagining every breath I take is one of healing light and power. Every breath that comes into me soothes me and breaks down the negativity getting ready to clear it away. With a release of my breath, I let out all the negativity inside of me. Any part of my body that was not at ease I imagined has been healed by the white pure light of breath and then the colour changes according to the pain or negativity. As I breath out I see that ugly bruised purple colour of breath leave my chest and I feel so much more at ease. Now and then I can feel the anxiety coming back in my chest and I just remind myself to keep breathing. This focus on breathing is my medicine. Some times I forget to take a good dose of it and can get lost in all my crazy thoughts but I know I’ll always have this way out with me. My meditation is my saviour.
Needless to say yesterday was a shitty day. I happen to have fibromyalgia and well if you haven’t googled it or know about it let me just say it fucking sucks! Nuff said! So anyway having the shit day that I did, it almost always gets turned around by my friends. If you are my friend I probably think the world of you and here is why. Family wasn’t very great to me growing up and I never really felt I could trust any of them, but my friends however, they are the people who I chose myself, to be in my life and I’m glad that I did. I’m glad that they came into my life when they did and for staying too! I consider THEM my family to be honest. These are people who got to know me in my dark times and they were there for me. Not only were they there for me but they accepted me and all the bullshit that came along with me. They have been there for me through some of the toughest times in my young life and also were there to share in some of the very best times too. I don’t know about you but to have someone who loves you even when you are “difficult to love” or have “issues” that most people would just rather not deal with, is one of the best feelings in this world. My friends whether they know it or not have helped me numberous times even without being here. Times when I felt like I had no one or nothing worth living for and I just wanted to leave this earth, I have thought of them and how much it would hurt them if i hurt myself or was to leave forever. In times when I felt like I’ve had no strength or energy left, I looked at them and their overcome trials and successes and I steal their passion and motivation and get back up and try a little harder. My friends have been knocked down before so they know how to take my hand and help me get back up; Some of the most understanding people I have ever met in my life. They are people I look up to, people I look forward to seeing and they are the people I hold dearest to me. These people are my life and I doubt they even know it. I may call them friends but mostly I mean they are my family.
This was a hard piece for me to write and share but it felt like such a good release once I did and I’m glad for it
Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to pull me around by my arm like I was a child, just because I was YOUR girlfriend.
It hurt when you made me feel like your time was more valuable than my own and put me down when I didn’t comply with YOUR schedule.
Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to use YOUR wealth to make me feel small and dependent on you. Did it make you feel better about yourself? Because it made me feel like crap
Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you dismissed my feelings and concerns because they weren’t issues of your own. I felt belittled and invisible when you turned on your gaslight “charm” I must be so silly and imagining it all. Right?
Pardon me, but…
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I look at myself and I can’t tell if I love me for me or if I hate me for me. I am the drug that makes me feel great and like I could do anything or be anything. I am also the come down from the high. That irritated itching and uncontrollable self loathing like if I could just get control of my emotions it would maybe be different somehow. I feel like I’m the only one who can understand me and at the same time I feel like I’m my worst enemy. I toss and turn at night not understanding why I can’t sleep and it just plays into my agitations and slowly I can feel them growing. Its like my bed is a piece of paper that has just lit up in flames taking away my sleep and the little floating pieces of paper that are still red hot are following me and catching fire to anything I walk by until everything is burning. That is how my anxiety feels sometimes. I go through so many different emotions while feeling this burning inside and the mix is overwhelming. So overwhelming I don’t want to get out of bed I just want to lay there even if I won’t fall asleep because who am I to fuck up the whole day? No, I will get up and stop thinking like this! Stop thinking like this!!! Okay so now the alarm is going off and it just wont stop even when I switch it off. WHHYY ME!? Why when I already feel hopeless inside myself does the world have to make it that much harder on me?? Alright and squash the self pity now, Alice, that is quite enough. It’s hardly even that bad. Yeah! So many people have it way worse than me, so really I should be counting my blessings. I continued to count my blessings as I hopped into the shower and as I’m doing this I say how thankful I am for a certain person and realize they are no longer in my life. I remember the good things about us and this makes me feel sad. How come this happens? What even happened and where did it go wrong? Why can’t I stop thinking about this? Its torture!! Good God Alice, get ahold of yourself! As if crying about it in the shower is going to make you feel any better. Change the way you are thinking!!! But maybe its good to let go and release a little, right? So I let myself cry, not even knowing entirely as to why I’m crying because it doesn’t feel like its one thing in particular. I’d try talking about it with someone but really I just feel ashamed afterwards or like I have said something wrong even when the face of the recipient is smiling and nodding and saying this is perfectly normal. I feel so so silly when I have emotional outbursts or even when I talk about them. Maybe not at the time but afterwards, when I’m sitting alone. Its like the entire conversation gets replayed in my head over and over and I start analyzing everything I said and trying to remember how the person responded. Remembering all my actions and wondering, were they appropriate? Was I being normal? Do they think I’m weird or like, something is wrong with me? They probably think I’m dramatic. Oh my God, Alice, there you go again…..
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