I read an article on a blog the other day. It was on depression. The point that was being brought to the reader’s attention was that “you’re not depressed, you’re just selfish” and actually those words were in the title as well haha. I’m open to hearing all kinds of thoughts and opinions on things but in all honesty when I first read that my thoughts where “FUUUUUCK THIS!” My open mind dragged me to continue reading the full article to see if I could gain anything good from it. I find it funny that although I disagree with, hahaha, so much that author was saying, I also took some truth to it and interestingly enough found a bit of clarity in the words I read.

You see, we like to take a word that normally has negative feedback and instantly hold on to all that is negative about it. I think in fact in that moment is when we forget about balance. Maybe some parts of depression are selfish. When I wake up in the morning and immediately think how shitty I feel, or how it sucks for me having a chronic illness blah blah blah…Truly if you can’t tell I’m GIFTED when it comes to complaining! Terrible habit that I’m trying to get myself out of but you see even complaining comes from a selfish place. It’s all about me and how I feel. Pretty fucking selfish if you ask me. So, I thought to myself, how can I find good in this and make things better for myself?

I thought back to another article I had read, where love was being placed as the awful view of selfishness. Yes you give and take in love, but when I think about it, loving someone else is truly based off of how you feel. It’s all our own feelings, so to say its selfish to want to love someone because you want to feel love, I’d say that’s correct and there’s nothing wrong with that. Getting back to the balance of things, to have a bit of selfishness in you to guid you towards what is good for you and your spirit can only be classified as human. Its getting overboard with the selfishness that causes problems.  If in my depression I keep thinking of me and my problems, it will only cause me to spin out.

That being said. I’m trying to find the positive in the negatives and make them work for me. I would have to say I’m the LEAST selfish person I know, this is my opinion however but I like to put others needs first, I like to think about other people. All those things though make me feel good about the person I am. So the root of my intentions is in a sence selfish but it is a balance of selfishness and good intentions and therefore I feel good from those thoughts and actions. Having pain and suffering and wallowing in it is in a sence selfish but understanding those feelings and reaching out to someone for help can make a world of difference for you and those in your life. Again a balance between your selfish feelings and your intentions.

I will continue to try to find the good in the “bad” and correct myself when and where I can to improve on my being. I do believe I am as perfect as I was made, imperfections and all.

in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Thoughts In The Dark

I feel like I wasn’t meant to be anything. Like, I have no real purpose and everything that I end up as, every roll I play is just stumbled upon accidentally. Even when I think I’m good at something I’m proven so terribly wrong.

I feel like a misfit. A broken puzzle piece that just won’t fit and even among other misfit pieces I feel alone. There are times when I flow along with the tide. It isn’t long until I wonder when it will end. When will I crash against the waves? Quickly I try my best to snuff the thoughts so they don’t come true like a wish made carelessly.

Like a caged warrior my spirit is raging and in my mind there is no peace. Born fragile and warm but brought up as a soldier and so cold. I try to be who i once was but find it as impossible as taking back a breath just took. The struggle between who I was, what I am and who I am is like a relentless war that only I can win and only I can lose at the same time.

I feel lost and in being lost I feel constantly stuck. Anything that feels right is so unmistakably wrong and I realize I’m an addict to the pain. I want so much to be happy, though it’s hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy. I’m my own monster for thinking this way and my angel is getting so tired from slaying.

I feel demons were planted into me when I was young and I’ve been fighting them off. Maybe I was just running from them, maybe I was just hiding. What a negative mind for such a positive soul. These are the imbalances I fight with constantly. What am I to do when I see what should make me sad only offer a feel of jealousy that their fight is over. Their relief has come while I must continue on. How selfish and ungrateful I am and if I’d only speak these uneasy feelings a loud I’d be perceived as such as well.

I feel like I feel too much.
I’m just tired waiting for the good day. Burden to others as I’m burdened to myself. As I self destruct, that optimistic spirit comes out to tell of a new path that will be made by the destruction of the old. I notice my stance lately in fight mode is getting tense and it gently comes to me as a reminder that this isn’t for me and I must move on. To what? I don’t know. I’m supposed to choose but how with a mind that lacks clarity? God when will this madness just fucking stop?