You know I just want to take a minute to be proud of myself. Growing up in a violent home and then proceeding to live in a violent lifestyle for many years after, my anger has been a challenge for me. After removing myself from negative influences and toxic scenarios, I still noticed the rage in me. I still had major aggression.
After my first serious long term relationship I thought to myself, that I was not getting better because I was around someone who wanted to make me mad and constantly pushed my buttons. I still hated how much control he had over my emotions because honestly I let him. I spent time after that trying to learn to control myself and my emotions too. There were trials and major responsibilities that had come up and really pushed my limits but at the same time forced me to remain in control of myself. I absolutely dislike confrontation now to the point of anxiety. Now I work on the anxiety.
I had an altercation that happened just yesterday. Something so stupid escalated so quickly and I realized that my keeping calm almost provoked this person to be even more angry. Anything I said, I tried to say it in a neutral tone and my body language was, I thought at the time, relaxed. I noticed the angry person pointed out how I was sitting, legs crossed hands crosses over my knees. I felt neutral with a bit of defence put in, with my body being protected from my hands and legs. I told this person I was trying to remain calm while they were exploding and then they screamed out “I am calm!” While punching a hole in my wall. I knew not to say anything after that. In fact I felt two things in that moment. Relief because just before that I thought they were going to hit me (better the wall than me) and secondly, I felt petrified. That’s the anxiety.
I was sitting so still waiting for them to leave and once they did, within a minute I felt ice cold my legs were shaking from my nerves. I realized I needed to take a breath in. My breathing was so shallow at first and then broke into hyper ventilating almost. I looked at my body language, still in the same exact position. My hands were so white. It was then that I felt silly for not being able to remain calm even after the fact. I calmed myself down, went to bed about an hour later and I smiled. I may have been a broken mess afterwards but I was so proud of how I handled that. I could have been screaming back and saying nasty things to throw in their face but instead I tried to point out how I know they don’t like being treated that way and that they should think about that. This made them even more angry.
Maybe I should have kept quiet at that point but I honestly felt like I was being bullied. After punching a hole in the wall I heard them say “I’m not a shitty person!”. It kind of made me sad because they reminded me of me and my family members who had suffered abuse one way or another and had anger issues as a result. I remember being so angry and doing things like that and also feeling so ashamed at the same time thinking “I’m not a shitty person!”
All I know is I’m proud of myself for continuing to work on myself and my issues so that I can better handle myself and my emotions in heated situations. I will continue to work on my panic and anxiety and honestly I’m not even mad at this person. I feel really bad for them and I truly hope they can get help and get better for themselves and the people who love them.