in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

When Anger Strikes

You know I just want to take a minute to be proud of myself. Growing up in a violent home and then proceeding to live in a violent lifestyle for many years after, my anger has been a challenge for me. After removing myself from negative influences and toxic scenarios, I still noticed the rage in me. I still had major aggression.

After my first serious long term relationship I thought to myself, that I was not getting better because I was around someone who wanted to make me mad and constantly pushed my buttons. I still hated how much control he had over my emotions because honestly I let him. I spent time after that trying to learn to control myself and my emotions too. There were trials and major responsibilities that had come up and really pushed my limits but at the same time forced me to remain in control of myself. I absolutely dislike confrontation now to the point of anxiety. Now I work on the anxiety.

I had an altercation that happened just yesterday. Something so stupid escalated so quickly and I realized that my keeping calm almost provoked this person to be even more angry. Anything I said, I tried to say it in a neutral tone and my body language was, I thought at the time, relaxed. I noticed the angry person pointed out how I was sitting, legs crossed hands crosses over my knees. I felt neutral with a bit of defence put in, with my body being protected from my hands and legs. I told this person I was trying to remain calm while they were exploding and then they screamed out “I am calm!” While punching a hole in my wall. I knew not to say anything after that. In fact I felt two things in that moment. Relief because just before that I thought they were going to hit me (better the wall than me) and secondly, I felt petrified. That’s the anxiety.

I was sitting so still waiting for them to leave and once they did, within a minute I felt ice cold my legs were shaking from my nerves. I realized I needed to take a breath in. My breathing was so shallow at first and then broke into hyper ventilating almost. I looked at my body language, still in the same exact position. My hands were so white. It was then that I felt silly for not being able to remain calm even after the fact. I calmed myself down, went to bed about an hour later and I smiled. I may have been a broken mess afterwards but I was so proud of how I handled that. I could have been screaming back and saying nasty things to throw in their face but instead I tried to point out how I know they don’t like being treated that way and that they should think about that. This made them even more angry.

Maybe I should have kept quiet at that point but I honestly felt like I was being bullied. After punching a hole in the wall I heard them say “I’m not a shitty person!”. It kind of made me sad because they reminded me of me and my family members who had suffered abuse one way or another and had anger issues as a result. I remember being so angry and doing things like that and also feeling so ashamed at the same time thinking “I’m not a shitty person!”

All I know is I’m proud of myself for continuing to work on myself and my issues so that I can better handle myself and my emotions in heated situations. I will continue to work on my panic and anxiety and honestly I’m not even mad at this person. I feel really bad for them and I truly hope they can get help and get better for themselves and the people who love them.

in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Thoughts In The Dark

I feel like I wasn’t meant to be anything. Like, I have no real purpose and everything that I end up as, every roll I play is just stumbled upon accidentally. Even when I think I’m good at something I’m proven so terribly wrong.

I feel like a misfit. A broken puzzle piece that just won’t fit and even among other misfit pieces I feel alone. There are times when I flow along with the tide. It isn’t long until I wonder when it will end. When will I crash against the waves? Quickly I try my best to snuff the thoughts so they don’t come true like a wish made carelessly.

Like a caged warrior my spirit is raging and in my mind there is no peace. Born fragile and warm but brought up as a soldier and so cold. I try to be who i once was but find it as impossible as taking back a breath just took. The struggle between who I was, what I am and who I am is like a relentless war that only I can win and only I can lose at the same time.

I feel lost and in being lost I feel constantly stuck. Anything that feels right is so unmistakably wrong and I realize I’m an addict to the pain. I want so much to be happy, though it’s hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy. I’m my own monster for thinking this way and my angel is getting so tired from slaying.

I feel demons were planted into me when I was young and I’ve been fighting them off. Maybe I was just running from them, maybe I was just hiding. What a negative mind for such a positive soul. These are the imbalances I fight with constantly. What am I to do when I see what should make me sad only offer a feel of jealousy that their fight is over. Their relief has come while I must continue on. How selfish and ungrateful I am and if I’d only speak these uneasy feelings a loud I’d be perceived as such as well.

I feel like I feel too much.
I’m just tired waiting for the good day. Burden to others as I’m burdened to myself. As I self destruct, that optimistic spirit comes out to tell of a new path that will be made by the destruction of the old. I notice my stance lately in fight mode is getting tense and it gently comes to me as a reminder that this isn’t for me and I must move on. To what? I don’t know. I’m supposed to choose but how with a mind that lacks clarity? God when will this madness just fucking stop?

in the heat of the moment

No Life Jackets

The feeling of sadness and endless tears lingers just beneath the surface, causing  turmoil. Tightening every muscle in my shoulders and neck. I try to bring out a salty release but it’s as though the voice wont let me. The voice that has been getting louder since Ive left you. The voice that started off telling me it will be okay is now the voice that screams at me that you are not worth my tears. So I carry my love for you like a bittersweet burden, because for me its not a step I can take that moves me away. There isn’t a movement on earth that can break this chain right now. I hold on to my secret dear and close. I fear you’d use it as a strong hold against me and my invisible leash and collar will be seen by all. Its different for you isn’t it though, my love? I guess its easy to move along in the sea of love when you’ve cast out floaters everywhere you swim. I’d rather not play it safe, love. Its why I jumped ship and swam as hard as I could while you were adjusting the mast. I wanna ride those waves and have that storm consume me until I’m floating in the calm ripples of it.  Exhausted and a completely beautiful mess. I’m going to let my heart sail free.

in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Hidden World

If you were to take a walk through my mind you would find a few different things. First upon entering you would find a small gravel path that would lead you to a white picket fence that opens up to a large meadow. Lush grass all around you so vibrant green that it almost takes you into a daze but not quite, I love the effect that it has. A short walk ahead you would come up to a creek, nothing big but its spectacular to look at, as the crystal blue water constantly runs at a perfect pace; its sounds lulling you towards dream land. This is my favorite place to come to when I just want to get away. I lay on the softest patch right by a tree and close my eyes so that only the sounds and other sensations play on my energy line. I can hear the birds singing softly in the distance, different tunes to fill the air and with each floating note that is sung the wind guides them towards me. As they reach my ears my mind is excited and filled with creativity. That same breeze brings forth the sweetest scents from the purple flowers strewn along the meadow, as if a flower girl from above cast them down carelessly. It releases the most pleasant sensations throughout the entire body. From here there are two other paths that I am very familiar with. One is meandering onto the left towards the darkest landscape. The other juts off to the right down a meaty forest pathway made with cedar chips, although I’m not sure what color the sky is out that way because the trees and all their glory is the only canvas as far up as you can see. Even without seeing the sky I can feel the warmth of the sun through little openings with brilliant golden lights cascading through the leafs,and it’s almost an instant feelings of security and safety. I love to walk up a bit, to a clearing in the woods where there is a ray of sunbeams shooting down, the vision of it is almost breath taking and the brightness of the light could most definitely hurt your eyes but it doesn’t. I’ve tried looking up while sitting in the middle of the beam of light but all I can see is white and gold light and the feeling of it is unbelievable! Its as if you have been reborn or had the best rest of your entire life! Its warm and I love how it makes me feel so empowered yet peaceful and filled with so much energy. I can’t always find this clearing, sometimes it takes a bit of navigation and sometimes it just takes time to get to. Obviously enough, the other route is not nearly as pleasant, in fact I don’t feel like there are any pleasantries going down this path. It leads to a house that sits pretty much alone other than a church that is about a mile away from it up on top of a steep hill. There are very few trees and the ones that are there have been stripped bare of their beauty and now reach out as if to snag you and never let go, should you get too close. I never really like to go that way, but if you felt like taking that nasty hike over, you’d find that every step you took gave you sharp prickly feelings in your feet as though you were walking on rose thorns. Your arms would feel so heavy and sore like you’d been fighting for your life and naturally by the time you reach the house you’d feel so tired and drained like the trip had just hollowed your entire spirit out. This house is my house I grew up in but it doesn’t look exactly the way I remember it. That’s the funny thing about the brain, it can create an image of how something made you feel and build it as a home right in your very own subconscious. If you are feeling brave you could go inside but if you were feeling really brave, like, you actually had enough energy even, you’d take the hike over to the church. That same agonizing stretch you just got through to get here is now going to continue on an uphill slope and that’s not the only difference. With every step you take you seem to be shrinking smaller and smaller so that every rock has now turned into a step and then you’d finally realize that it is in fact a stairway that you are now climbing. Good luck with that cardio, you’re going to need it because the higher up you get the more your chest will tighten up making it almost impossible to breath. It makes me laugh to think that once you’ve gotten this far you’d try to leave and head back as quickly as possible but actually you’ll be pulled along hearing a voice in your head telling you to “offer it up” and you will and you’ll continue to take your beating the whole way learning to smile as you go. That is just, if, you took a walk through my mind.

in the heat of the moment

Broken Fantasy

Life with you is like riding a roller coaster.  So many exciting twists and turns and ups and downs. Constantly moving fast, slowing down for just a moment, only to fall harder and much faster.

Life without you is like eternity. Every day, no matter how full and event infested; drags on like every minute is pulling at a part of me.  Night comes and I’m so grateful. Grateful for getting through the day with a smile on my face for the most part, even more grateful, for peace without you.

Constant are you, in everything I do. So repetitive you pound in my head, like a headache, it physically hurts. I wonder what you did, if it was with purpose that you have enticed and entranced me into this spell like daze.

My connection with you I didn’t want to cut off even when dreams told me of our fate.  You were always wondering how I was so clever. Did I snoop? Did I cause my own heartache?Maybe, but only because inside I have this compass that never leads me astray.

My strong spirit wants to do what it will even knowing what it knows. Why set myself up for such turmoil? Why crucify myself? Possibly for that exact reason. I needed to put myself through it.  I sometimes just need to keep feeling