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I read an article on a blog the other day. It was on depression. The point that was being brought to the reader’s attention was that “you’re not depressed, you’re just selfish” and actually those words were in the title as well haha. I’m open to hearing all kinds of thoughts and opinions on things but in all honesty when I first read that my thoughts where “FUUUUUCK THIS!” My open mind dragged me to continue reading the full article to see if I could gain anything good from it. I find it funny that although I disagree with, hahaha, so much that author was saying, I also took some truth to it and interestingly enough found a bit of clarity in the words I read.

You see, we like to take a word that normally has negative feedback and instantly hold on to all that is negative about it. I think in fact in that moment is when we forget about balance. Maybe some parts of depression are selfish. When I wake up in the morning and immediately think how shitty I feel, or how it sucks for me having a chronic illness blah blah blah…Truly if you can’t tell I’m GIFTED when it comes to complaining! Terrible habit that I’m trying to get myself out of but you see even complaining comes from a selfish place. It’s all about me and how I feel. Pretty fucking selfish if you ask me. So, I thought to myself, how can I find good in this and make things better for myself?

I thought back to another article I had read, where love was being placed as the awful view of selfishness. Yes you give and take in love, but when I think about it, loving someone else is truly based off of how you feel. It’s all our own feelings, so to say its selfish to want to love someone because you want to feel love, I’d say that’s correct and there’s nothing wrong with that. Getting back to the balance of things, to have a bit of selfishness in you to guid you towards what is good for you and your spirit can only be classified as human. Its getting overboard with the selfishness that causes problems.  If in my depression I keep thinking of me and my problems, it will only cause me to spin out.

That being said. I’m trying to find the positive in the negatives and make them work for me. I would have to say I’m the LEAST selfish person I know, this is my opinion however but I like to put others needs first, I like to think about other people. All those things though make me feel good about the person I am. So the root of my intentions is in a sence selfish but it is a balance of selfishness and good intentions and therefore I feel good from those thoughts and actions. Having pain and suffering and wallowing in it is in a sence selfish but understanding those feelings and reaching out to someone for help can make a world of difference for you and those in your life. Again a balance between your selfish feelings and your intentions.

I will continue to try to find the good in the “bad” and correct myself when and where I can to improve on my being. I do believe I am as perfect as I was made, imperfections and all.

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in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Thoughts In The Dark

I feel like I wasn’t meant to be anything. Like, I have no real purpose and everything that I end up as, every roll I play is just stumbled upon accidentally. Even when I think I’m good at something I’m proven so terribly wrong.

I feel like a misfit. A broken puzzle piece that just won’t fit and even among other misfit pieces I feel alone. There are times when I flow along with the tide. It isn’t long until I wonder when it will end. When will I crash against the waves? Quickly I try my best to snuff the thoughts so they don’t come true like a wish made carelessly.

Like a caged warrior my spirit is raging and in my mind there is no peace. Born fragile and warm but brought up as a soldier and so cold. I try to be who i once was but find it as impossible as taking back a breath just took. The struggle between who I was, what I am and who I am is like a relentless war that only I can win and only I can lose at the same time.

I feel lost and in being lost I feel constantly stuck. Anything that feels right is so unmistakably wrong and I realize I’m an addict to the pain. I want so much to be happy, though it’s hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy. I’m my own monster for thinking this way and my angel is getting so tired from slaying.

I feel demons were planted into me when I was young and I’ve been fighting them off. Maybe I was just running from them, maybe I was just hiding. What a negative mind for such a positive soul. These are the imbalances I fight with constantly. What am I to do when I see what should make me sad only offer a feel of jealousy that their fight is over. Their relief has come while I must continue on. How selfish and ungrateful I am and if I’d only speak these uneasy feelings a loud I’d be perceived as such as well.

I feel like I feel too much.
I’m just tired waiting for the good day. Burden to others as I’m burdened to myself. As I self destruct, that optimistic spirit comes out to tell of a new path that will be made by the destruction of the old. I notice my stance lately in fight mode is getting tense and it gently comes to me as a reminder that this isn’t for me and I must move on. To what? I don’t know. I’m supposed to choose but how with a mind that lacks clarity? God when will this madness just fucking stop?

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An Imagined Wound

How could you do that to me? I was only ten. I know it would have gotten you into trouble, regardless of your reasoning or excuses, but you were an adult. Not just any adult, you were supposed to be my protector. Then you violated me not once but twice and when it got out because I didn’t know what to do with my confused silence anymore, you denied it ever happened. You couldn’t even actually use the words liar when saying it either because I bet the guilt was too much. Instead you used a gaslight method and told me I must have been dreaming and how sorry you were that I thought this had happened to me. Every one else called me a liar though. They said it was my fault when charges were pending, because I felt I deserved justice. When they said it was my word against his and touched my shoulder assuring me that they were sorry I felt this had happened to me though it was just another line passed along to fuel the manipulation already planted in my head. They called me slut. I thought they were my family. I thought they were supposed to love me. I thought I was supposed to tell the truth. I just let it eat me up until I felt numb over it and convinced myself I was over it and it didn’t matter. I’d find myself remembering and thinking I must have thought it up in my head. Why would I think of such a sick thing? What is wrong with me? I must be a trouble maker. All these bad things keep happening to me and it must be because I did something wrong and now I am being punished for it. For years and years I tried to get over something that “didn’t happen” and I thought I had actually succeeded. Fixed and stitched an invisible cut. Ten years later I found myself screaming at you over the phone about other events and it just all came pouring out of me like vomit. How you’ve made me feel and how I don’t trust you. Then you said those words that broke the spell that has held me captive all these years. You said you were sorry but you didn’t realize what you were doing until I had left the bed and that you didn’t even remember the second time. You were a fucking coward and so you let me carry the pain you inflicted and the pain of everyone crucifying me for speaking out. What you did broke my heart and betrayed my trust, but pretending nothing happened and making me live with that fucked with my head on so many levels. I thought I was crazy. I wanted to take my life because the pain that forms after feeling lost and confused for so long is absolutely intangible. I thank God I didn’t succeed because what a waste of a life it would have been. I know now that I have strength in numbers. I am stronger than a scared grown man. I am stronger than death.  I carried that weight for you because I know you wouldn’t have made it. You couldn’t carry that cross.  I’m still working on getting over it as I find little fragments of my first betrayal coming up.   At least now I can forgive you knowing it was your mistake and not mine.

 

in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Hidden World

If you were to take a walk through my mind you would find a few different things. First upon entering you would find a small gravel path that would lead you to a white picket fence that opens up to a large meadow. Lush grass all around you so vibrant green that it almost takes you into a daze but not quite, I love the effect that it has. A short walk ahead you would come up to a creek, nothing big but its spectacular to look at, as the crystal blue water constantly runs at a perfect pace; its sounds lulling you towards dream land. This is my favorite place to come to when I just want to get away. I lay on the softest patch right by a tree and close my eyes so that only the sounds and other sensations play on my energy line. I can hear the birds singing softly in the distance, different tunes to fill the air and with each floating note that is sung the wind guides them towards me. As they reach my ears my mind is excited and filled with creativity. That same breeze brings forth the sweetest scents from the purple flowers strewn along the meadow, as if a flower girl from above cast them down carelessly. It releases the most pleasant sensations throughout the entire body. From here there are two other paths that I am very familiar with. One is meandering onto the left towards the darkest landscape. The other juts off to the right down a meaty forest pathway made with cedar chips, although I’m not sure what color the sky is out that way because the trees and all their glory is the only canvas as far up as you can see. Even without seeing the sky I can feel the warmth of the sun through little openings with brilliant golden lights cascading through the leafs,and it’s almost an instant feelings of security and safety. I love to walk up a bit, to a clearing in the woods where there is a ray of sunbeams shooting down, the vision of it is almost breath taking and the brightness of the light could most definitely hurt your eyes but it doesn’t. I’ve tried looking up while sitting in the middle of the beam of light but all I can see is white and gold light and the feeling of it is unbelievable! Its as if you have been reborn or had the best rest of your entire life! Its warm and I love how it makes me feel so empowered yet peaceful and filled with so much energy. I can’t always find this clearing, sometimes it takes a bit of navigation and sometimes it just takes time to get to. Obviously enough, the other route is not nearly as pleasant, in fact I don’t feel like there are any pleasantries going down this path. It leads to a house that sits pretty much alone other than a church that is about a mile away from it up on top of a steep hill. There are very few trees and the ones that are there have been stripped bare of their beauty and now reach out as if to snag you and never let go, should you get too close. I never really like to go that way, but if you felt like taking that nasty hike over, you’d find that every step you took gave you sharp prickly feelings in your feet as though you were walking on rose thorns. Your arms would feel so heavy and sore like you’d been fighting for your life and naturally by the time you reach the house you’d feel so tired and drained like the trip had just hollowed your entire spirit out. This house is my house I grew up in but it doesn’t look exactly the way I remember it. That’s the funny thing about the brain, it can create an image of how something made you feel and build it as a home right in your very own subconscious. If you are feeling brave you could go inside but if you were feeling really brave, like, you actually had enough energy even, you’d take the hike over to the church. That same agonizing stretch you just got through to get here is now going to continue on an uphill slope and that’s not the only difference. With every step you take you seem to be shrinking smaller and smaller so that every rock has now turned into a step and then you’d finally realize that it is in fact a stairway that you are now climbing. Good luck with that cardio, you’re going to need it because the higher up you get the more your chest will tighten up making it almost impossible to breath. It makes me laugh to think that once you’ve gotten this far you’d try to leave and head back as quickly as possible but actually you’ll be pulled along hearing a voice in your head telling you to “offer it up” and you will and you’ll continue to take your beating the whole way learning to smile as you go. That is just, if, you took a walk through my mind.

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Depressed? Feeling Anxious? Here are some tips

Don’t feel ashamed of how you manage ❤

Serenity Talk

Do you wake up sad every day? Do you feel like maybe you’re just a downer for everyone, or that maybe you’re just not trying hard enough? I feel like that all the time. I have friends and even family that feel like that too, the difference is they take anti depressants. Thats absolutley fine, and I don’t discrouage anyone to take their medication, if it helps.

I am a person who does not like taking medications or pills, and when I have taken antidepressants, they didn’t react well with me. Either I felt like a zombie and I completely couldn’t figure out who I was anymore, or my symptoms got worse with some, and once I even had an allergic reaction to one type, and had to go to the hospital. Some people say that I should give them more of a chance, but I think people should give…

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Breath of Fresh Meditation

I’m laying in bed the fan is on high, the way I like it but it’s too loud. I can’t hear things clearly. I can hear noises but can’t tell where they are coming from, someone might be trying to break into my shed. Wouldn’t that be just great!? Then I’d have to try to catch them so they don’t steal my things and there would be a huge disturbance while I scream for the neighbours to call the cops. I’d feel victorious but then after pressing charges they would maybe send people to come after me and break in at night. Oh my God what if someone is trying to break in right now!? What would I do? How would I escape? Could I escape? STOP! The feeling in my stomach is anxious stew, whirling around while I feel the constricting of my stomach muscles trying to hold the feelings in place but they creep and end up in my chest. My breath….am I still breathing? BREATH! Gasping for air, I tell myself nothing is even happening other than the crazy ideas I come up with in my head and I focus my self on my breathing while saying in a mantra to myself that “I’m okay.” I can start to feel my muscles surrendering from their vicious grips as I take another breath in through my nose. Calm starts to wash over me. As I’m breathing I start to judge my silly mind and my silly body on how it reacts to such nonsense these days. I can feel my head starting to get flooded with my harsh criticism and remind myself, Alice you are not helping with that kind of thought. Gently I agree with myself and take another deep breath in my nose and hold it, imagining every breath I take is one of healing light and power. Every breath that comes into me soothes me and breaks down the negativity getting ready to clear it away. With a release of my breath, I let out all the negativity inside of me. Any part of my body that was not at ease I imagined has been healed by the white pure light of breath and then the colour changes according to the pain or negativity. As I breath out I see that ugly bruised purple colour of breath leave my chest and I feel so much more at ease. Now and then I can feel the anxiety coming back in my chest and I just remind myself to keep breathing. This focus on breathing is my medicine. Some times I forget to take a good dose of it and can get lost in all my crazy thoughts but I know I’ll always have this way out with me. My meditation is my saviour.

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Friendship From the Heart

Needless to say yesterday was a shitty day. I happen to have fibromyalgia and well if you haven’t googled it or know about it let me just say it fucking sucks! Nuff said! So anyway having the shit day that I did, it almost always gets turned around by my friends. If you are my friend I probably think the world of you and here is why. Family wasn’t very great to me growing up and I never really felt I could trust any of them, but my friends however, they are the people who I chose myself, to be in my life and I’m glad that I did. I’m glad that they came into my life when they did and for staying too! I consider THEM my family to be honest. These are people who got to know me in my dark times and they were there for me. Not only were they there for me but they accepted me and all the bullshit that came along with me. They have been there for me through some of the toughest times in my young life and also were there to share in some of the very best times too. I don’t know about you but to have someone who loves you even when you are “difficult to love” or have “issues” that most people would just rather not deal with, is one of the best feelings in this world. My friends whether they know it or not have helped me numberous times even without being here. Times when I felt like I had no one or nothing worth living for and I just wanted to leave this earth, I have thought of them and how much it would hurt them if i hurt myself or was to leave forever. In times when I felt like I’ve had no strength or energy left, I looked at them and their overcome trials and successes and I steal their passion and motivation and get back up and try a little harder. My friends have been knocked down before so they know how to take my hand and help me get back up; Some of the most understanding people I have ever met in my life. They are people I look up to, people I look forward to seeing and they are the people I hold dearest to me. These people are my life and I doubt they even know it. I may call them friends but mostly I mean they are my family.

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Pardon Me

This was a hard piece for me to write and share but it felt like such a good release once I did and I’m glad for it

Serenity Talk

Pardon me

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to pull me around by my arm like I was a child, just because I was YOUR girlfriend.

It hurt when you made me feel like your time was more valuable than my own and put me down when I didn’t comply with YOUR schedule.

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to use YOUR wealth to make me feel small and dependent on you. Did it make you feel better about yourself? Because it made me feel like crap

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you dismissed my feelings and concerns because they weren’t issues of your own. I felt belittled and invisible when you turned on your gaslight “charm” I must be so silly and imagining it all. Right?

Pardon me, but…

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Living lost in anxiety

I look at myself and I can’t tell if I love me for me or if I hate me for me. I am the drug that makes me feel great and like I could do anything or be anything. I am also the come down from the high. That irritated itching and uncontrollable self loathing like if I could just get control of my emotions it would maybe be different somehow. I feel like I’m the only one who can understand me and at the same time I feel like I’m my worst enemy. I toss and turn at night not understanding why I can’t sleep and it just plays into my agitations and slowly I can feel them growing. Its like my bed is a piece of paper that has just lit up in flames taking away my sleep and the little floating pieces of paper that are still red hot are following me and catching fire to anything I walk by until everything is burning. That is how my anxiety feels sometimes. I go through so many different emotions while feeling this burning inside and the mix is overwhelming. So overwhelming I don’t want to get out of bed I just want to lay there even if I won’t fall asleep because who am I to fuck up the whole day? No, I will get up and stop thinking like this! Stop thinking like this!!! Okay so now the alarm is going off and it just wont stop even when I switch it off. WHHYY ME!? Why when I already feel hopeless inside myself does the world have to make it that much harder on me??  Alright and squash the self pity now, Alice, that is quite enough.  It’s hardly even that bad. Yeah! So many people have it way worse than me, so really I should be counting my blessings. I continued to count my blessings as I hopped into the shower and as I’m doing this I say how thankful I am for a certain person and realize they are no longer in my life. I remember the good things about us and this makes me feel sad. How come this happens? What even happened and where did it go wrong? Why can’t I stop thinking about this? Its torture!! Good God Alice, get ahold of yourself! As if crying about it in the shower is going to make you feel any better. Change the way you are thinking!!! But maybe its good to let go and release a little, right? So I let myself cry, not even knowing entirely as to why I’m crying because it doesn’t feel like its one thing in particular. I’d try talking about it with someone but really I just feel ashamed afterwards or like I have said something wrong even when the face of the recipient is smiling and nodding and saying this is perfectly normal. I feel so so silly when I have emotional outbursts or even when I talk about them. Maybe not at the time but afterwards, when I’m sitting alone. Its like the entire conversation gets replayed in my head over and over and I start analyzing everything I said and trying to remember how the person responded. Remembering all my actions and wondering, were they appropriate? Was I being normal? Do they think I’m weird or like, something is wrong with me? They probably think I’m dramatic. Oh my God, Alice, there you go again…..

 

 

 

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