I’m laying in bed the fan is on high, the way I like it but it’s too loud. I can’t hear things clearly. I can hear noises but can’t tell where they are coming from, someone might be trying to break into my shed. Wouldn’t that be just great!? Then I’d have to try to catch them so they don’t steal my things and there would be a huge disturbance while I scream for the neighbours to call the cops. I’d feel victorious but then after pressing charges they would maybe send people to come after me and break in at night. Oh my God what if someone is trying to break in right now!? What would I do? How would I escape? Could I escape? STOP! The feeling in my stomach is anxious stew, whirling around while I feel the constricting of my stomach muscles trying to hold the feelings in place but they creep and end up in my chest. My breath….am I still breathing? BREATH! Gasping for air, I tell myself nothing is even happening other than the crazy ideas I come up with in my head and I focus my self on my breathing while saying in a mantra to myself that “I’m okay.” I can start to feel my muscles surrendering from their vicious grips as I take another breath in through my nose. Calm starts to wash over me. As I’m breathing I start to judge my silly mind and my silly body on how it reacts to such nonsense these days. I can feel my head starting to get flooded with my harsh criticism and remind myself, Alice you are not helping with that kind of thought. Gently I agree with myself and take another deep breath in my nose and hold it, imagining every breath I take is one of healing light and power. Every breath that comes into me soothes me and breaks down the negativity getting ready to clear it away. With a release of my breath, I let out all the negativity inside of me. Any part of my body that was not at ease I imagined has been healed by the white pure light of breath and then the colour changes according to the pain or negativity. As I breath out I see that ugly bruised purple colour of breath leave my chest and I feel so much more at ease. Now and then I can feel the anxiety coming back in my chest and I just remind myself to keep breathing. This focus on breathing is my medicine. Some times I forget to take a good dose of it and can get lost in all my crazy thoughts but I know I’ll always have this way out with me. My meditation is my saviour.
I look at myself and I can’t tell if I love me for me or if I hate me for me. I am the drug that makes me feel great and like I could do anything or be anything. I am also the come down from the high. That irritated itching and uncontrollable self loathing like if I could just get control of my emotions it would maybe be different somehow. I feel like I’m the only one who can understand me and at the same time I feel like I’m my worst enemy. I toss and turn at night not understanding why I can’t sleep and it just plays into my agitations and slowly I can feel them growing. Its like my bed is a piece of paper that has just lit up in flames taking away my sleep and the little floating pieces of paper that are still red hot are following me and catching fire to anything I walk by until everything is burning. That is how my anxiety feels sometimes. I go through so many different emotions while feeling this burning inside and the mix is overwhelming. So overwhelming I don’t want to get out of bed I just want to lay there even if I won’t fall asleep because who am I to fuck up the whole day? No, I will get up and stop thinking like this! Stop thinking like this!!! Okay so now the alarm is going off and it just wont stop even when I switch it off. WHHYY ME!? Why when I already feel hopeless inside myself does the world have to make it that much harder on me?? Alright and squash the self pity now, Alice, that is quite enough. It’s hardly even that bad. Yeah! So many people have it way worse than me, so really I should be counting my blessings. I continued to count my blessings as I hopped into the shower and as I’m doing this I say how thankful I am for a certain person and realize they are no longer in my life. I remember the good things about us and this makes me feel sad. How come this happens? What even happened and where did it go wrong? Why can’t I stop thinking about this? Its torture!! Good God Alice, get ahold of yourself! As if crying about it in the shower is going to make you feel any better. Change the way you are thinking!!! But maybe its good to let go and release a little, right? So I let myself cry, not even knowing entirely as to why I’m crying because it doesn’t feel like its one thing in particular. I’d try talking about it with someone but really I just feel ashamed afterwards or like I have said something wrong even when the face of the recipient is smiling and nodding and saying this is perfectly normal. I feel so so silly when I have emotional outbursts or even when I talk about them. Maybe not at the time but afterwards, when I’m sitting alone. Its like the entire conversation gets replayed in my head over and over and I start analyzing everything I said and trying to remember how the person responded. Remembering all my actions and wondering, were they appropriate? Was I being normal? Do they think I’m weird or like, something is wrong with me? They probably think I’m dramatic. Oh my God, Alice, there you go again…..
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