in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Thoughts In The Dark

I feel like I wasn’t meant to be anything. Like, I have no real purpose and everything that I end up as, every roll I play is just stumbled upon accidentally. Even when I think I’m good at something I’m proven so terribly wrong.

I feel like a misfit. A broken puzzle piece that just won’t fit and even among other misfit pieces I feel alone. There are times when I flow along with the tide. It isn’t long until I wonder when it will end. When will I crash against the waves? Quickly I try my best to snuff the thoughts so they don’t come true like a wish made carelessly.

Like a caged warrior my spirit is raging and in my mind there is no peace. Born fragile and warm but brought up as a soldier and so cold. I try to be who i once was but find it as impossible as taking back a breath just took. The struggle between who I was, what I am and who I am is like a relentless war that only I can win and only I can lose at the same time.

I feel lost and in being lost I feel constantly stuck. Anything that feels right is so unmistakably wrong and I realize I’m an addict to the pain. I want so much to be happy, though it’s hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy. I’m my own monster for thinking this way and my angel is getting so tired from slaying.

I feel demons were planted into me when I was young and I’ve been fighting them off. Maybe I was just running from them, maybe I was just hiding. What a negative mind for such a positive soul. These are the imbalances I fight with constantly. What am I to do when I see what should make me sad only offer a feel of jealousy that their fight is over. Their relief has come while I must continue on. How selfish and ungrateful I am and if I’d only speak these uneasy feelings a loud I’d be perceived as such as well.

I feel like I feel too much.
I’m just tired waiting for the good day. Burden to others as I’m burdened to myself. As I self destruct, that optimistic spirit comes out to tell of a new path that will be made by the destruction of the old. I notice my stance lately in fight mode is getting tense and it gently comes to me as a reminder that this isn’t for me and I must move on. To what? I don’t know. I’m supposed to choose but how with a mind that lacks clarity? God when will this madness just fucking stop?

in the heat of the moment

Broken Fantasy

Life with you is like riding a roller coaster.  So many exciting twists and turns and ups and downs. Constantly moving fast, slowing down for just a moment, only to fall harder and much faster.

Life without you is like eternity. Every day, no matter how full and event infested; drags on like every minute is pulling at a part of me.  Night comes and I’m so grateful. Grateful for getting through the day with a smile on my face for the most part, even more grateful, for peace without you.

Constant are you, in everything I do. So repetitive you pound in my head, like a headache, it physically hurts. I wonder what you did, if it was with purpose that you have enticed and entranced me into this spell like daze.

My connection with you I didn’t want to cut off even when dreams told me of our fate.  You were always wondering how I was so clever. Did I snoop? Did I cause my own heartache?Maybe, but only because inside I have this compass that never leads me astray.

My strong spirit wants to do what it will even knowing what it knows. Why set myself up for such turmoil? Why crucify myself? Possibly for that exact reason. I needed to put myself through it.  I sometimes just need to keep feeling