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I read an article on a blog the other day. It was on depression. The point that was being brought to the reader’s attention was that “you’re not depressed, you’re just selfish” and actually those words were in the title as well haha. I’m open to hearing all kinds of thoughts and opinions on things but in all honesty when I first read that my thoughts where “FUUUUUCK THIS!” My open mind dragged me to continue reading the full article to see if I could gain anything good from it. I find it funny that although I disagree with, hahaha, so much that author was saying, I also took some truth to it and interestingly enough found a bit of clarity in the words I read.

You see, we like to take a word that normally has negative feedback and instantly hold on to all that is negative about it. I think in fact in that moment is when we forget about balance. Maybe some parts of depression are selfish. When I wake up in the morning and immediately think how shitty I feel, or how it sucks for me having a chronic illness blah blah blah…Truly if you can’t tell I’m GIFTED when it comes to complaining! Terrible habit that I’m trying to get myself out of but you see even complaining comes from a selfish place. It’s all about me and how I feel. Pretty fucking selfish if you ask me. So, I thought to myself, how can I find good in this and make things better for myself?

I thought back to another article I had read, where love was being placed as the awful view of selfishness. Yes you give and take in love, but when I think about it, loving someone else is truly based off of how you feel. It’s all our own feelings, so to say its selfish to want to love someone because you want to feel love, I’d say that’s correct and there’s nothing wrong with that. Getting back to the balance of things, to have a bit of selfishness in you to guid you towards what is good for you and your spirit can only be classified as human. Its getting overboard with the selfishness that causes problems.  If in my depression I keep thinking of me and my problems, it will only cause me to spin out.

That being said. I’m trying to find the positive in the negatives and make them work for me. I would have to say I’m the LEAST selfish person I know, this is my opinion however but I like to put others needs first, I like to think about other people. All those things though make me feel good about the person I am. So the root of my intentions is in a sence selfish but it is a balance of selfishness and good intentions and therefore I feel good from those thoughts and actions. Having pain and suffering and wallowing in it is in a sence selfish but understanding those feelings and reaching out to someone for help can make a world of difference for you and those in your life. Again a balance between your selfish feelings and your intentions.

I will continue to try to find the good in the “bad” and correct myself when and where I can to improve on my being. I do believe I am as perfect as I was made, imperfections and all.

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An Imagined Wound

How could you do that to me? I was only ten. I know it would have gotten you into trouble, regardless of your reasoning or excuses, but you were an adult. Not just any adult, you were supposed to be my protector. Then you violated me not once but twice and when it got out because I didn’t know what to do with my confused silence anymore, you denied it ever happened. You couldn’t even actually use the words liar when saying it either because I bet the guilt was too much. Instead you used a gaslight method and told me I must have been dreaming and how sorry you were that I thought this had happened to me. Every one else called me a liar though. They said it was my fault when charges were pending, because I felt I deserved justice. When they said it was my word against his and touched my shoulder assuring me that they were sorry I felt this had happened to me though it was just another line passed along to fuel the manipulation already planted in my head. They called me slut. I thought they were my family. I thought they were supposed to love me. I thought I was supposed to tell the truth. I just let it eat me up until I felt numb over it and convinced myself I was over it and it didn’t matter. I’d find myself remembering and thinking I must have thought it up in my head. Why would I think of such a sick thing? What is wrong with me? I must be a trouble maker. All these bad things keep happening to me and it must be because I did something wrong and now I am being punished for it. For years and years I tried to get over something that “didn’t happen” and I thought I had actually succeeded. Fixed and stitched an invisible cut. Ten years later I found myself screaming at you over the phone about other events and it just all came pouring out of me like vomit. How you’ve made me feel and how I don’t trust you. Then you said those words that broke the spell that has held me captive all these years. You said you were sorry but you didn’t realize what you were doing until I had left the bed and that you didn’t even remember the second time. You were a fucking coward and so you let me carry the pain you inflicted and the pain of everyone crucifying me for speaking out. What you did broke my heart and betrayed my trust, but pretending nothing happened and making me live with that fucked with my head on so many levels. I thought I was crazy. I wanted to take my life because the pain that forms after feeling lost and confused for so long is absolutely intangible. I thank God I didn’t succeed because what a waste of a life it would have been. I know now that I have strength in numbers. I am stronger than a scared grown man. I am stronger than death.  I carried that weight for you because I know you wouldn’t have made it. You couldn’t carry that cross.  I’m still working on getting over it as I find little fragments of my first betrayal coming up.   At least now I can forgive you knowing it was your mistake and not mine.