I feel like I wasn’t meant to be anything. Like, I have no real purpose and everything that I end up as, every roll I play is just stumbled upon accidentally. Even when I think I’m good at something I’m proven so terribly wrong.
I feel like a misfit. A broken puzzle piece that just won’t fit and even among other misfit pieces I feel alone. There are times when I flow along with the tide. It isn’t long until I wonder when it will end. When will I crash against the waves? Quickly I try my best to snuff the thoughts so they don’t come true like a wish made carelessly.
Like a caged warrior my spirit is raging and in my mind there is no peace. Born fragile and warm but brought up as a soldier and so cold. I try to be who i once was but find it as impossible as taking back a breath just took. The struggle between who I was, what I am and who I am is like a relentless war that only I can win and only I can lose at the same time.
I feel lost and in being lost I feel constantly stuck. Anything that feels right is so unmistakably wrong and I realize I’m an addict to the pain. I want so much to be happy, though it’s hard, because I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy. I’m my own monster for thinking this way and my angel is getting so tired from slaying.
I feel demons were planted into me when I was young and I’ve been fighting them off. Maybe I was just running from them, maybe I was just hiding. What a negative mind for such a positive soul. These are the imbalances I fight with constantly. What am I to do when I see what should make me sad only offer a feel of jealousy that their fight is over. Their relief has come while I must continue on. How selfish and ungrateful I am and if I’d only speak these uneasy feelings a loud I’d be perceived as such as well.
I feel like I feel too much.
I’m just tired waiting for the good day. Burden to others as I’m burdened to myself. As I self destruct, that optimistic spirit comes out to tell of a new path that will be made by the destruction of the old. I notice my stance lately in fight mode is getting tense and it gently comes to me as a reminder that this isn’t for me and I must move on. To what? I don’t know. I’m supposed to choose but how with a mind that lacks clarity? God when will this madness just fucking stop?