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I read an article on a blog the other day. It was on depression. The point that was being brought to the reader’s attention was that “you’re not depressed, you’re just selfish” and actually those words were in the title as well haha. I’m open to hearing all kinds of thoughts and opinions on things but in all honesty when I first read that my thoughts where “FUUUUUCK THIS!” My open mind dragged me to continue reading the full article to see if I could gain anything good from it. I find it funny that although I disagree with, hahaha, so much that author was saying, I also took some truth to it and interestingly enough found a bit of clarity in the words I read.

You see, we like to take a word that normally has negative feedback and instantly hold on to all that is negative about it. I think in fact in that moment is when we forget about balance. Maybe some parts of depression are selfish. When I wake up in the morning and immediately think how shitty I feel, or how it sucks for me having a chronic illness blah blah blah…Truly if you can’t tell I’m GIFTED when it comes to complaining! Terrible habit that I’m trying to get myself out of but you see even complaining comes from a selfish place. It’s all about me and how I feel. Pretty fucking selfish if you ask me. So, I thought to myself, how can I find good in this and make things better for myself?

I thought back to another article I had read, where love was being placed as the awful view of selfishness. Yes you give and take in love, but when I think about it, loving someone else is truly based off of how you feel. It’s all our own feelings, so to say its selfish to want to love someone because you want to feel love, I’d say that’s correct and there’s nothing wrong with that. Getting back to the balance of things, to have a bit of selfishness in you to guid you towards what is good for you and your spirit can only be classified as human. Its getting overboard with the selfishness that causes problems.  If in my depression I keep thinking of me and my problems, it will only cause me to spin out.

That being said. I’m trying to find the positive in the negatives and make them work for me. I would have to say I’m the LEAST selfish person I know, this is my opinion however but I like to put others needs first, I like to think about other people. All those things though make me feel good about the person I am. So the root of my intentions is in a sence selfish but it is a balance of selfishness and good intentions and therefore I feel good from those thoughts and actions. Having pain and suffering and wallowing in it is in a sence selfish but understanding those feelings and reaching out to someone for help can make a world of difference for you and those in your life. Again a balance between your selfish feelings and your intentions.

I will continue to try to find the good in the “bad” and correct myself when and where I can to improve on my being. I do believe I am as perfect as I was made, imperfections and all.

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An Imagined Wound

How could you do that to me? I was only ten. I know it would have gotten you into trouble, regardless of your reasoning or excuses, but you were an adult. Not just any adult, you were supposed to be my protector. Then you violated me not once but twice and when it got out because I didn’t know what to do with my confused silence anymore, you denied it ever happened. You couldn’t even actually use the words liar when saying it either because I bet the guilt was too much. Instead you used a gaslight method and told me I must have been dreaming and how sorry you were that I thought this had happened to me. Every one else called me a liar though. They said it was my fault when charges were pending, because I felt I deserved justice. When they said it was my word against his and touched my shoulder assuring me that they were sorry I felt this had happened to me though it was just another line passed along to fuel the manipulation already planted in my head. They called me slut. I thought they were my family. I thought they were supposed to love me. I thought I was supposed to tell the truth. I just let it eat me up until I felt numb over it and convinced myself I was over it and it didn’t matter. I’d find myself remembering and thinking I must have thought it up in my head. Why would I think of such a sick thing? What is wrong with me? I must be a trouble maker. All these bad things keep happening to me and it must be because I did something wrong and now I am being punished for it. For years and years I tried to get over something that “didn’t happen” and I thought I had actually succeeded. Fixed and stitched an invisible cut. Ten years later I found myself screaming at you over the phone about other events and it just all came pouring out of me like vomit. How you’ve made me feel and how I don’t trust you. Then you said those words that broke the spell that has held me captive all these years. You said you were sorry but you didn’t realize what you were doing until I had left the bed and that you didn’t even remember the second time. You were a fucking coward and so you let me carry the pain you inflicted and the pain of everyone crucifying me for speaking out. What you did broke my heart and betrayed my trust, but pretending nothing happened and making me live with that fucked with my head on so many levels. I thought I was crazy. I wanted to take my life because the pain that forms after feeling lost and confused for so long is absolutely intangible. I thank God I didn’t succeed because what a waste of a life it would have been. I know now that I have strength in numbers. I am stronger than a scared grown man. I am stronger than death.  I carried that weight for you because I know you wouldn’t have made it. You couldn’t carry that cross.  I’m still working on getting over it as I find little fragments of my first betrayal coming up.   At least now I can forgive you knowing it was your mistake and not mine.

 

in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Hidden World

If you were to take a walk through my mind you would find a few different things. First upon entering you would find a small gravel path that would lead you to a white picket fence that opens up to a large meadow. Lush grass all around you so vibrant green that it almost takes you into a daze but not quite, I love the effect that it has. A short walk ahead you would come up to a creek, nothing big but its spectacular to look at, as the crystal blue water constantly runs at a perfect pace; its sounds lulling you towards dream land. This is my favorite place to come to when I just want to get away. I lay on the softest patch right by a tree and close my eyes so that only the sounds and other sensations play on my energy line. I can hear the birds singing softly in the distance, different tunes to fill the air and with each floating note that is sung the wind guides them towards me. As they reach my ears my mind is excited and filled with creativity. That same breeze brings forth the sweetest scents from the purple flowers strewn along the meadow, as if a flower girl from above cast them down carelessly. It releases the most pleasant sensations throughout the entire body. From here there are two other paths that I am very familiar with. One is meandering onto the left towards the darkest landscape. The other juts off to the right down a meaty forest pathway made with cedar chips, although I’m not sure what color the sky is out that way because the trees and all their glory is the only canvas as far up as you can see. Even without seeing the sky I can feel the warmth of the sun through little openings with brilliant golden lights cascading through the leafs,and it’s almost an instant feelings of security and safety. I love to walk up a bit, to a clearing in the woods where there is a ray of sunbeams shooting down, the vision of it is almost breath taking and the brightness of the light could most definitely hurt your eyes but it doesn’t. I’ve tried looking up while sitting in the middle of the beam of light but all I can see is white and gold light and the feeling of it is unbelievable! Its as if you have been reborn or had the best rest of your entire life! Its warm and I love how it makes me feel so empowered yet peaceful and filled with so much energy. I can’t always find this clearing, sometimes it takes a bit of navigation and sometimes it just takes time to get to. Obviously enough, the other route is not nearly as pleasant, in fact I don’t feel like there are any pleasantries going down this path. It leads to a house that sits pretty much alone other than a church that is about a mile away from it up on top of a steep hill. There are very few trees and the ones that are there have been stripped bare of their beauty and now reach out as if to snag you and never let go, should you get too close. I never really like to go that way, but if you felt like taking that nasty hike over, you’d find that every step you took gave you sharp prickly feelings in your feet as though you were walking on rose thorns. Your arms would feel so heavy and sore like you’d been fighting for your life and naturally by the time you reach the house you’d feel so tired and drained like the trip had just hollowed your entire spirit out. This house is my house I grew up in but it doesn’t look exactly the way I remember it. That’s the funny thing about the brain, it can create an image of how something made you feel and build it as a home right in your very own subconscious. If you are feeling brave you could go inside but if you were feeling really brave, like, you actually had enough energy even, you’d take the hike over to the church. That same agonizing stretch you just got through to get here is now going to continue on an uphill slope and that’s not the only difference. With every step you take you seem to be shrinking smaller and smaller so that every rock has now turned into a step and then you’d finally realize that it is in fact a stairway that you are now climbing. Good luck with that cardio, you’re going to need it because the higher up you get the more your chest will tighten up making it almost impossible to breath. It makes me laugh to think that once you’ve gotten this far you’d try to leave and head back as quickly as possible but actually you’ll be pulled along hearing a voice in your head telling you to “offer it up” and you will and you’ll continue to take your beating the whole way learning to smile as you go. That is just, if, you took a walk through my mind.