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An Imagined Wound

How could you do that to me? I was only ten. I know it would have gotten you into trouble, regardless of your reasoning or excuses, but you were an adult. Not just any adult, you were supposed to be my protector. Then you violated me not once but twice and when it got out because I didn’t know what to do with my confused silence anymore, you denied it ever happened. You couldn’t even actually use the words liar when saying it either because I bet the guilt was too much. Instead you used a gaslight method and told me I must have been dreaming and how sorry you were that I thought this had happened to me. Every one else called me a liar though. They said it was my fault when charges were pending, because I felt I deserved justice. When they said it was my word against his and touched my shoulder assuring me that they were sorry I felt this had happened to me though it was just another line passed along to fuel the manipulation already planted in my head. They called me slut. I thought they were my family. I thought they were supposed to love me. I thought I was supposed to tell the truth. I just let it eat me up until I felt numb over it and convinced myself I was over it and it didn’t matter. I’d find myself remembering and thinking I must have thought it up in my head. Why would I think of such a sick thing? What is wrong with me? I must be a trouble maker. All these bad things keep happening to me and it must be because I did something wrong and now I am being punished for it. For years and years I tried to get over something that “didn’t happen” and I thought I had actually succeeded. Fixed and stitched an invisible cut. Ten years later I found myself screaming at you over the phone about other events and it just all came pouring out of me like vomit. How you’ve made me feel and how I don’t trust you. Then you said those words that broke the spell that has held me captive all these years. You said you were sorry but you didn’t realize what you were doing until I had left the bed and that you didn’t even remember the second time. You were a fucking coward and so you let me carry the pain you inflicted and the pain of everyone crucifying me for speaking out. What you did broke my heart and betrayed my trust, but pretending nothing happened and making me live with that fucked with my head on so many levels. I thought I was crazy. I wanted to take my life because the pain that forms after feeling lost and confused for so long is absolutely intangible. I thank God I didn’t succeed because what a waste of a life it would have been. I know now that I have strength in numbers. I am stronger than a scared grown man. I am stronger than death.  I carried that weight for you because I know you wouldn’t have made it. You couldn’t carry that cross.  I’m still working on getting over it as I find little fragments of my first betrayal coming up.   At least now I can forgive you knowing it was your mistake and not mine.

 

in the heat of the moment

No Life Jackets

The feeling of sadness and endless tears lingers just beneath the surface, causing  turmoil. Tightening every muscle in my shoulders and neck. I try to bring out a salty release but it’s as though the voice wont let me. The voice that has been getting louder since Ive left you. The voice that started off telling me it will be okay is now the voice that screams at me that you are not worth my tears. So I carry my love for you like a bittersweet burden, because for me its not a step I can take that moves me away. There isn’t a movement on earth that can break this chain right now. I hold on to my secret dear and close. I fear you’d use it as a strong hold against me and my invisible leash and collar will be seen by all. Its different for you isn’t it though, my love? I guess its easy to move along in the sea of love when you’ve cast out floaters everywhere you swim. I’d rather not play it safe, love. Its why I jumped ship and swam as hard as I could while you were adjusting the mast. I wanna ride those waves and have that storm consume me until I’m floating in the calm ripples of it.  Exhausted and a completely beautiful mess. I’m going to let my heart sail free.

in the heat of the moment, Uncategorized

Hidden World

If you were to take a walk through my mind you would find a few different things. First upon entering you would find a small gravel path that would lead you to a white picket fence that opens up to a large meadow. Lush grass all around you so vibrant green that it almost takes you into a daze but not quite, I love the effect that it has. A short walk ahead you would come up to a creek, nothing big but its spectacular to look at, as the crystal blue water constantly runs at a perfect pace; its sounds lulling you towards dream land. This is my favorite place to come to when I just want to get away. I lay on the softest patch right by a tree and close my eyes so that only the sounds and other sensations play on my energy line. I can hear the birds singing softly in the distance, different tunes to fill the air and with each floating note that is sung the wind guides them towards me. As they reach my ears my mind is excited and filled with creativity. That same breeze brings forth the sweetest scents from the purple flowers strewn along the meadow, as if a flower girl from above cast them down carelessly. It releases the most pleasant sensations throughout the entire body. From here there are two other paths that I am very familiar with. One is meandering onto the left towards the darkest landscape. The other juts off to the right down a meaty forest pathway made with cedar chips, although I’m not sure what color the sky is out that way because the trees and all their glory is the only canvas as far up as you can see. Even without seeing the sky I can feel the warmth of the sun through little openings with brilliant golden lights cascading through the leafs,and it’s almost an instant feelings of security and safety. I love to walk up a bit, to a clearing in the woods where there is a ray of sunbeams shooting down, the vision of it is almost breath taking and the brightness of the light could most definitely hurt your eyes but it doesn’t. I’ve tried looking up while sitting in the middle of the beam of light but all I can see is white and gold light and the feeling of it is unbelievable! Its as if you have been reborn or had the best rest of your entire life! Its warm and I love how it makes me feel so empowered yet peaceful and filled with so much energy. I can’t always find this clearing, sometimes it takes a bit of navigation and sometimes it just takes time to get to. Obviously enough, the other route is not nearly as pleasant, in fact I don’t feel like there are any pleasantries going down this path. It leads to a house that sits pretty much alone other than a church that is about a mile away from it up on top of a steep hill. There are very few trees and the ones that are there have been stripped bare of their beauty and now reach out as if to snag you and never let go, should you get too close. I never really like to go that way, but if you felt like taking that nasty hike over, you’d find that every step you took gave you sharp prickly feelings in your feet as though you were walking on rose thorns. Your arms would feel so heavy and sore like you’d been fighting for your life and naturally by the time you reach the house you’d feel so tired and drained like the trip had just hollowed your entire spirit out. This house is my house I grew up in but it doesn’t look exactly the way I remember it. That’s the funny thing about the brain, it can create an image of how something made you feel and build it as a home right in your very own subconscious. If you are feeling brave you could go inside but if you were feeling really brave, like, you actually had enough energy even, you’d take the hike over to the church. That same agonizing stretch you just got through to get here is now going to continue on an uphill slope and that’s not the only difference. With every step you take you seem to be shrinking smaller and smaller so that every rock has now turned into a step and then you’d finally realize that it is in fact a stairway that you are now climbing. Good luck with that cardio, you’re going to need it because the higher up you get the more your chest will tighten up making it almost impossible to breath. It makes me laugh to think that once you’ve gotten this far you’d try to leave and head back as quickly as possible but actually you’ll be pulled along hearing a voice in your head telling you to “offer it up” and you will and you’ll continue to take your beating the whole way learning to smile as you go. That is just, if, you took a walk through my mind.

in the heat of the moment

Broken Fantasy

Life with you is like riding a roller coaster.  So many exciting twists and turns and ups and downs. Constantly moving fast, slowing down for just a moment, only to fall harder and much faster.

Life without you is like eternity. Every day, no matter how full and event infested; drags on like every minute is pulling at a part of me.  Night comes and I’m so grateful. Grateful for getting through the day with a smile on my face for the most part, even more grateful, for peace without you.

Constant are you, in everything I do. So repetitive you pound in my head, like a headache, it physically hurts. I wonder what you did, if it was with purpose that you have enticed and entranced me into this spell like daze.

My connection with you I didn’t want to cut off even when dreams told me of our fate.  You were always wondering how I was so clever. Did I snoop? Did I cause my own heartache?Maybe, but only because inside I have this compass that never leads me astray.

My strong spirit wants to do what it will even knowing what it knows. Why set myself up for such turmoil? Why crucify myself? Possibly for that exact reason. I needed to put myself through it.  I sometimes just need to keep feeling

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Depressed? Feeling Anxious? Here are some tips

Don’t feel ashamed of how you manage ❤

Serenity Talk

Do you wake up sad every day? Do you feel like maybe you’re just a downer for everyone, or that maybe you’re just not trying hard enough? I feel like that all the time. I have friends and even family that feel like that too, the difference is they take anti depressants. Thats absolutley fine, and I don’t discrouage anyone to take their medication, if it helps.

I am a person who does not like taking medications or pills, and when I have taken antidepressants, they didn’t react well with me. Either I felt like a zombie and I completely couldn’t figure out who I was anymore, or my symptoms got worse with some, and once I even had an allergic reaction to one type, and had to go to the hospital. Some people say that I should give them more of a chance, but I think people should give…

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Breath of Fresh Meditation

I’m laying in bed the fan is on high, the way I like it but it’s too loud. I can’t hear things clearly. I can hear noises but can’t tell where they are coming from, someone might be trying to break into my shed. Wouldn’t that be just great!? Then I’d have to try to catch them so they don’t steal my things and there would be a huge disturbance while I scream for the neighbours to call the cops. I’d feel victorious but then after pressing charges they would maybe send people to come after me and break in at night. Oh my God what if someone is trying to break in right now!? What would I do? How would I escape? Could I escape? STOP! The feeling in my stomach is anxious stew, whirling around while I feel the constricting of my stomach muscles trying to hold the feelings in place but they creep and end up in my chest. My breath….am I still breathing? BREATH! Gasping for air, I tell myself nothing is even happening other than the crazy ideas I come up with in my head and I focus my self on my breathing while saying in a mantra to myself that “I’m okay.” I can start to feel my muscles surrendering from their vicious grips as I take another breath in through my nose. Calm starts to wash over me. As I’m breathing I start to judge my silly mind and my silly body on how it reacts to such nonsense these days. I can feel my head starting to get flooded with my harsh criticism and remind myself, Alice you are not helping with that kind of thought. Gently I agree with myself and take another deep breath in my nose and hold it, imagining every breath I take is one of healing light and power. Every breath that comes into me soothes me and breaks down the negativity getting ready to clear it away. With a release of my breath, I let out all the negativity inside of me. Any part of my body that was not at ease I imagined has been healed by the white pure light of breath and then the colour changes according to the pain or negativity. As I breath out I see that ugly bruised purple colour of breath leave my chest and I feel so much more at ease. Now and then I can feel the anxiety coming back in my chest and I just remind myself to keep breathing. This focus on breathing is my medicine. Some times I forget to take a good dose of it and can get lost in all my crazy thoughts but I know I’ll always have this way out with me. My meditation is my saviour.

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Friendship From the Heart

Needless to say yesterday was a shitty day. I happen to have fibromyalgia and well if you haven’t googled it or know about it let me just say it fucking sucks! Nuff said! So anyway having the shit day that I did, it almost always gets turned around by my friends. If you are my friend I probably think the world of you and here is why. Family wasn’t very great to me growing up and I never really felt I could trust any of them, but my friends however, they are the people who I chose myself, to be in my life and I’m glad that I did. I’m glad that they came into my life when they did and for staying too! I consider THEM my family to be honest. These are people who got to know me in my dark times and they were there for me. Not only were they there for me but they accepted me and all the bullshit that came along with me. They have been there for me through some of the toughest times in my young life and also were there to share in some of the very best times too. I don’t know about you but to have someone who loves you even when you are “difficult to love” or have “issues” that most people would just rather not deal with, is one of the best feelings in this world. My friends whether they know it or not have helped me numberous times even without being here. Times when I felt like I had no one or nothing worth living for and I just wanted to leave this earth, I have thought of them and how much it would hurt them if i hurt myself or was to leave forever. In times when I felt like I’ve had no strength or energy left, I looked at them and their overcome trials and successes and I steal their passion and motivation and get back up and try a little harder. My friends have been knocked down before so they know how to take my hand and help me get back up; Some of the most understanding people I have ever met in my life. They are people I look up to, people I look forward to seeing and they are the people I hold dearest to me. These people are my life and I doubt they even know it. I may call them friends but mostly I mean they are my family.

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Pardon Me

This was a hard piece for me to write and share but it felt like such a good release once I did and I’m glad for it

Serenity Talk

Pardon me

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to pull me around by my arm like I was a child, just because I was YOUR girlfriend.

It hurt when you made me feel like your time was more valuable than my own and put me down when I didn’t comply with YOUR schedule.

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you thought it was okay to use YOUR wealth to make me feel small and dependent on you. Did it make you feel better about yourself? Because it made me feel like crap

Pardon me, but you really hurt my feelings when you dismissed my feelings and concerns because they weren’t issues of your own. I felt belittled and invisible when you turned on your gaslight “charm” I must be so silly and imagining it all. Right?

Pardon me, but…

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Living lost in anxiety

I look at myself and I can’t tell if I love me for me or if I hate me for me. I am the drug that makes me feel great and like I could do anything or be anything. I am also the come down from the high. That irritated itching and uncontrollable self loathing like if I could just get control of my emotions it would maybe be different somehow. I feel like I’m the only one who can understand me and at the same time I feel like I’m my worst enemy. I toss and turn at night not understanding why I can’t sleep and it just plays into my agitations and slowly I can feel them growing. Its like my bed is a piece of paper that has just lit up in flames taking away my sleep and the little floating pieces of paper that are still red hot are following me and catching fire to anything I walk by until everything is burning. That is how my anxiety feels sometimes. I go through so many different emotions while feeling this burning inside and the mix is overwhelming. So overwhelming I don’t want to get out of bed I just want to lay there even if I won’t fall asleep because who am I to fuck up the whole day? No, I will get up and stop thinking like this! Stop thinking like this!!! Okay so now the alarm is going off and it just wont stop even when I switch it off. WHHYY ME!? Why when I already feel hopeless inside myself does the world have to make it that much harder on me??  Alright and squash the self pity now, Alice, that is quite enough.  It’s hardly even that bad. Yeah! So many people have it way worse than me, so really I should be counting my blessings. I continued to count my blessings as I hopped into the shower and as I’m doing this I say how thankful I am for a certain person and realize they are no longer in my life. I remember the good things about us and this makes me feel sad. How come this happens? What even happened and where did it go wrong? Why can’t I stop thinking about this? Its torture!! Good God Alice, get ahold of yourself! As if crying about it in the shower is going to make you feel any better. Change the way you are thinking!!! But maybe its good to let go and release a little, right? So I let myself cry, not even knowing entirely as to why I’m crying because it doesn’t feel like its one thing in particular. I’d try talking about it with someone but really I just feel ashamed afterwards or like I have said something wrong even when the face of the recipient is smiling and nodding and saying this is perfectly normal. I feel so so silly when I have emotional outbursts or even when I talk about them. Maybe not at the time but afterwards, when I’m sitting alone. Its like the entire conversation gets replayed in my head over and over and I start analyzing everything I said and trying to remember how the person responded. Remembering all my actions and wondering, were they appropriate? Was I being normal? Do they think I’m weird or like, something is wrong with me? They probably think I’m dramatic. Oh my God, Alice, there you go again…..

 

 

 

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